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05:55pm 10/08/2011
   Well what d'you know, I do think most of those new years resolutions are met. You're not meant to ever actually keep them are you?

But my bike is getting dusty so I guess that balances things out.
 
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06:42pm 04/01/2011
  Some new year things:
  • Use lovefilm more. Watch films. Go the cinema more.
  • Don't watch films you really like on so-called "dates" or with people you like a lot. They are only going to leave you anyway and you really don't want any memories attached to films you love.
  • Read more. Even the shit you know you don't like.
  • Try not to die cycling to work. I'm getting a bicycle...

That's all for now. I don't really do giving things up.
 
 
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11:20pm 04/10/2010
  Hello LJ.  
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02:47pm 03/07/2010
  This feeling is completely irrational. I realise this feeling is completely irrational. Yet it still continues to bother me. Trying not to act on this feeling is a major task. Not acting on this feeling means the feeling persists.

I can't fully describe what the feeling is. Paranoia? Jealousy? Depression? Dependence? I don't know. I know that I feel like there is a big massive hole in my chest, that my arms feel weak, I'm hungry but have no desire to eat. I have little desire for much at all. The worst thing is that when I come to speak to someone I'm gonna have to suck it all up. I'll feel better when I'm around people anyway. These feelings will have become obsolete and I'll wonder why I was like this. Until the next time.

Pretty much everyone is far too busy. When they hint that they may be available I lighten up; then I realise they will not be available and I'm stuck with my own company again. This wouldn't be a problem if I hadn't been in my own company for so long. I can't be productive when I haven't had fun and everything is a chore. Then I write things like this, which people may read and judge that I am this person with these feelings, incapable of having fun. It's really not the case though. Of course a small passage like this one will make me seem weird. But this is just a snippet. There would be no point in writing if I didn't feel this way. There is something about writing that clears feelings away. It's better than speaking to myself would be anyway, I haven't achieved that level of crazy yet.


It's OK. Airline is on TV. There was just a crazy French lady shouting about how she wants to go back to France because she hates Liverpool. I laughed. I need more of this. More stupidity. "YES I SHOUT BECAUSE I AM FED UP! FED UP! FED UP!"

I think the crazy French lady is suffering from irrational feelings too.
 
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11:46pm 27/05/2010
  Fucking networks of fucking people.  
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09:11pm 20/05/2010
  I pulled my first sickie for 4 years today! Finally, yeah? I've got to call in tomorrow without laughing again. Probably kind of suspicious that the people I was with the night before turned in late/we're also off.....but eh.

I don't know what my mum did when she was here but now the door to the living area sticks all the time, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get trapped in at some point.

Other stuff here _____________

Watching films with Audio Description on to gain new experiences.
 
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What he does. . .   
11:34am 07/02/2010
  "'People talk about thinking, but for my part I never think, except when I sit down to write.' It is this never thinking, unless when we sit down to write, which is the cause of so much indifferent composition. But perhaps there is something more involved in the Frenchman's observation than meets the eye. It is certain that the mere act of inditing tends, in a great degree, to the logicalization of thought. Whenever, on account of its vagueness, I am dissatisfied with a conception of the brain, I resort forthwith to the pen. . .  
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pedia de wiki - 1/4   
11:17pm 25/01/2010
 
  • realizing that the pursuits of one's peers are useless
Hmmmm, yes.
  • confronting their own mortality
Nah, did that and accepted it when I was far younger. I guess I was the weird kid obsessed with existence and death.

  • watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
Perhaps, yeah, but also no because that's just mortality all over again. On another note, mum's surprise 60th went well, she didn't expect a thing.

  • insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
Uh huh.

  • insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
As ever.

  • insecurity regarding present accomplishments
What present accomplishments? I've been in a dead-end job for 3 years, didn't do much before that and the prospect of any further education is looking slimmer each day. My brain has rotted.

  • re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
Perhaps I'm lucky in that I don't have so many close interpersonal relationships. Though yes, always re-evaluating what is there.

  • lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
Crisis, crisis, crisis.

  • disappointment with one's job
Definitely.

  • nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
Nostalgia for several things. Nostalgia fucking haunts me. Of course not having been to uni brings on jealousy and pining instead of nostalgia.
  • tendency to hold stronger opinions
Haha, I'm not so sure. I don't even think I mean what I say most days. I see too many angles.

  • boredom with social interactions
Maybe this isn't a quarter life crisis then. I'm craving social interaction. Well, with certain people.

  • loss of closeness to high school and college friends
HA, never was any closeness.

  • financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
My rent is too high. I haven't had my first electric bill. I have no savings and no pension. But I don't have a massive uni loan to pay off and I'm not in debt. I don't think money bothers me.

  • loneliness, depression and suicide
Loneliness, yeah. 

  • desire to have children
Fuck no. Brats.

  • a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
BUT THEY ARE

  • frustration with social skills
They're better than what they were, but I'm still slow with most. So no, not really.

"A related problem is simply that many college graduates do not achieve a desirable standard of living after graduation. They often end up living in low-income apartments with roommates instead of having an income high enough to support themselves. Substandard living conditions, combined with menial or repetitive work at their jobs create a great amount of frustration, anxiety and anger. Nobody wants to admit to feeling like a 'loser'; this secrecy may intensify the problem." 

Well, if that's the case then I'm glad I've fucked up college and skipped the whole uni thing to end up in the same sort of place. But I'm not really. 6 years to do an open uni degree, will it be worth wasting my evenings on?
 
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11:08pm 25/11/2009
  and with all the possibilities dividing, narrowing down, do they ever count as zero?  
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Anybody want some asda smart price furniture?   
10:08pm 01/11/2009
  Guy jumped into canal just before we walked past, his girlfriend was really distraught. Some idiots came over and started laughing. He was very drunk and had just found out his nan had cancer, been arguing with girlfriend. Police got him out eventually. Happy halloween!

Should've got someone to buy Muse tickets for me while I was at work all those months ago, jealous jealous jealous.

REMEMBER Tekken? Oh nostalgia.
 
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08:23pm 02/10/2009
  Never win and never lose
There's nothing much to choose
Between the right and wrong
Nothing lost and nothing gained
Still things aren't quite the same
Between you and me

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine.
 
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of hopeless embrace   
08:34pm 12/08/2009
  heart whipped in bowl does not spill does not react does not do


Number 19 has yet to be filled, the blocks have not been found. But I cannot wait for this mad equilibrium.
 
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11:23pm 03/08/2009
  London was doubleplusgood. Broken Embraces did not disappoint, it was fantastic. Next stop Amsterdam.  
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Iechyd da i chwi nawr ac yn oes oesoedd   
02:07pm 19/07/2009
  Dusk into the dark at noon, not one month old  
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Seagulls and doors   
03:49pm 11/07/2009
  If you're thinking in words, you aren't thinking.



Rosmarinus officinalis, where are you?
 
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I have nobody to go to London with   
09:54pm 05/07/2009
 
mood: malaise
If Xuvy can't come, if he won't let me pay for the hotel etc, I will go by myself.



I feel lazy, dirty, alone. Love does not exist.
 
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Totally Fucked Up   
10:04pm 30/06/2009
  share a film time


1. more teen angst. lives of the bored and disenfranchised.

Suicide.


2. Sex. Don't touch mine.

Sex is an asshole.

AIDS kills.

3. Everybody thinks I'm high and I am.

purity is not
of this world. but
every 25 years
or so, there is a
glimmer. a flash

four.

He just kind of lies there and lets me do all the work.

the young
and the
hopeless

Eating breakfast together. Secretly holding hands at the movies. A mutual terror of loneliness.

I blame society.

5ive.

teenagers in love.

It's like this lie we're brainwashed into believing from birth. It's all a load of bullshit propaganda.

A squirt in the dark.

Love does not exist.

heterosexuality sucks, even as a board game.

Tom Cruise:
Rock Hudson for the 90s

Mel Gibson:
homophobe a-hole

Michael Stipe:
?

He has a sexy voice, what can I say?


safe
sex

is in your
hands

a
public
service
announcement

Shooting tadpoles at the moon.

now back to
our regularly
scheduled
program...


6. Happy Birthday Patricia

it's my
party

and I'll inseminate
if I want to

unsafe
sex

WARNING:
kids, do not try
this at home

7.
the
alienation
generation

god, i hate fuckin' bette midler

Let me tell you what the problem with the stupid fucking world is. All the stupid people are breeding like mad, having tons and tons of kids, while the cool people aren't having any. So the population just keeps getting stupider and stupider. I mean, it's no wonder the whole world's going down the toilet.

the decline
of stupid
fucking western
civilization


Start narrative here.


So, are you into Ministry?
So, what's your name?
I thought you were gonna say something to me back at the club.
I'm kinda shy.

We had joy, we had fun.
We had seasons in the sun.
my dying seal.

Burn:
To masturbate while
looking at a
provocative picture.

in your case, it
would appear that you fall in
the group of secondary lymph
node metastasis, that is 5
year survival of 64%.

Parfait-Stuff-Squeeze:
A young convict who is
sexually desired by other
prisoners.



don't touch me unless you mean it.

I think kamikaze dildoes are playing at the hell hole.



8.

They were way better last time. So now what?

I smoke, therefore I am.

Can you imagine what those last few moments of terror must be like before you go into shock and lose consciousness?

C'est la fuckin' vie.

God I love your body.
Hey, loves yours too.
What do you want me to do?
Dunno, what do you wanna do?
Everything.
Yeah, what's everything?


Let's just let nature take it's course.
Er, don't you wanna shut the lights off?
Nah, I wanna watch you.


9.
to live
and fry
in L.A.

He makes my heart beat.
So you don't mean he makes you beat hard?

Doesn't it hurt?
At first, hell yeah, but if you just relax. God, it must be serious
Shutup.


This whole town is just one giant fag farm.

Now here's a cheery item:
These two 15 year old guys, their families were moving apart and rather than face the thought of being separated they made a pact and blew each others brains out with their dad's hunting rifles. Isn't that sad?
Yeah. Pretty romantic.
This is the topper. One of the kids fathers was quoted afterward saying, "Well he's better off dead than queer as far as I'm concerned."
Heart warming. You hungry?


GOING




10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
 
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feed my sick nostalgia   
12:28am 15/06/2009
  I'm done with the dating game, sex always feels like an icebreaker for friendship with these people. One Australian dulux shade too strong, one disaster of a strip poker barbeque, blindfolded antibiotics, head twister.

I'm just dust in a jar waiting to be shook again.
 
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Snottingham   
11:23pm 26/05/2009
  I'm sunburned to a cold through the pulse. Mio went the scenic route but we got back in the end. Edgar Allen Poe was there.

I'll remember the O.L. guy and I don't want to.
 
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If the meaning of life, the universe and everything is 42...   
02:26pm 11/05/2009
  ...is 24 the opposite?  
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